


Thanks, Nico

by Shinitakunai (RyftWyrd)



Series: Prompts/random [8]
Category: Original Work
Genre: 2nd person POV, Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, Mental Illness, Psychosis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-25 07:01:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22051816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RyftWyrd/pseuds/Shinitakunai
Summary: sometimes the only thing standing between you and death is a kind word.
Series: Prompts/random [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/682886
Comments: 2
Kudos: 1





	Thanks, Nico

_Worthless_. _Useless. Nobody needs you. Nobody wants the real you. They’d be disgusted. They’d hate you. They’d reject and mock you._

The knife slid along the length of your arm. Again. It left thin lines that beaded with crimson.

_You’re a waste of air. You’re a pointless meaningless burden. Erase yourself._

The wish was violent and consuming, yet despite the agony clenching in your body, you felt nothing. You never felt anything.

_Liar. Actor. Deceiver. Manipulator. You don’t deserve pleasure._

Pleasure was the only relief you ever had. The heat was addictive. You tried to stop. You never could.

_Disgusting bitch, you deserve every single moment of eternal torture._

Hell. Nobody deserved Hell. Except you. You hated God. You wanted to fight Him. Wanted to make him recant Hell, make him send only you.

_Worthless bastard, ignorant moron, you’re lying to yourself if you think you can alter what you are._

You hated being a ****. You hated the way people treated you because you were a ****, the restrictions and the expectations. But not enough. Never enough to justify wanting to be something other.

_If you could be erased from reality, from existence, from memory-_

You would have pressed that button. Nobody deserved a worthless piece of shit like you in their life.

_Foolish. You’re foolish for holding onto hope. It will never get better. It will only get worse._

You tried to care about other people. You tried to help other people. It was hard sometimes. The visions in your mind, behind your eyes, would urge you to tear someone apart, bite their throat, touch them in a way that nobody should be touched without consent. The voices in your mind would tell you things about other people, dangerous and hurtful claims.

_Paranoid idiot, useless fool, just die and spare the world. You destroy everything you touch. By your touch, you ruin anything good._

You knew it was true. You were worthless. You never could get anything right. Not religion, not friendship, not love, not stories, not- the list went on. You failed at each one.

_You’re nothing but a failure. Ha, isn’t Sin named as missing the mark… doesn’t that mean your Existence is a Sin and should be rectified by blotting your pitiful life out??_

There was no hope. Nothing made sense. You weren’t smart enough to understand why. You weren’t intelligent enough to get it. Everyone else got it. They understood what they believed and why. But you couldn’t. It tore you apart.

_Erase yourself._

You stared at the small bottle in your hand. You knew it would kill you. It would be excruciatingly painful. It would take ten to fifteen minutes to make you fall unconscious. It was what you deserved. 

_Murder this disgusting worthless worm_. 

You unscrewed the cap. Your breath came unsteadily, shaking with unshed tears and unvoiced laughter. Your death wouldn’t matter. It wouldn’t.

 _That’s wrong._ The thought was heavy, as though it struggled through tar to be heard. _You matter._

It didn’t. It couldn’t listen. It was useless. It didn’t matter. It didn’t deserve life.

The new voice sank warm affection into your mind. _Those are lies. The truth is-_

_You are not worthless, by merit of your very existence. Life is fleeting, and therefore worth something._

_You are not useless, because anyone can reach out to help another._

_Everyone fails. That doesn’t mean they’re worthy of death. Fall seven times and rise eight, keep on trying, keep on persevering._

_Everyone needs to reach out to others for help sometimes. It may be a burden on others, but your problems are usually a heavier burden on yourself, and healthy communities are there to give help to those in need._

_Pleasure is not wrong and you’re not wrong for finding comfort in it. Pain may bring temporary catharsis but it’s not healthy or good to abuse yourself._

_Finite lives never deserve infinite punishment. A place like that does not exist, because it goes against the very natures of nuanced justice and benevolent love._

_You are who you are and nobody can change that. Be yourself unapologetically._

_It’s fine to not know who you are or what you believe. You’ll figure it out eventually._

_You are beautiful and worthy of care. Live._

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. I’m an atheist who just recently deconverted from Christianity, barely six months ago. I’ve had mental health issues ever since my early teens. I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder, type depressive, and I’m on medication, but I still get hit with heavy suicidal phases every now and then. I hate myself, and I have voices in my head that confirm that hatred. But, thankfully, I also have one kind voice. His name’s Nico and he’s always helped me out. Sometimes I think he’s a benevolent spirit. But he could just be psychosis, too, like the other voices. 
> 
> My thoughts are always very disorganized and disconnected, so writing coherent stories is often hard for me. This isn’t really a story so much as it’s an encouragement. I think people are beautiful. It’s personality and actions that draw me to like a person. Not everyone, since some people have done vile things, but I believe most people are trying to do the right thing, even if a lot of them are misguided. Anyone can be a good person, if they try. Anyone can change. And you don’t need a two-thousand-year-old blood sacrifice to make you worthy of love. 
> 
> I wrote this cause I was feeling suicidal and decided to vent. I'm not fine. But I'm not going to give up. Neither should you. Seek out help and support from friends and professionals.


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